How to read a Match.com Profile

Expect a little “To Tell the Truth, ” a bit of  “I’ve Got a Secret”  and some “Dark Shadows”


Reading dating profiles on Chemistry.com, Match.com, or JDate can be confusing.  As you wade through a minefield of clichés and brags, you wonder how to decipher this barrage of data. Is there some kind of code? Where do you get a romance Rosetta stone?

The answer? Read between the lines and take it all with a grain of salt.

Due diligence and deciphering

Steven D. wrote that he ‘hailed from the citrus belt of California’  (Orange County, Republican). He reads the New Yorker and legal stuff (lawyer).

He loves debating (argumentative) and says his two kids are his best friends (uh-oh.)  He says he’s tired of restaurants (cheap) and prefers TV dinners on the couch (yawn)  In his profile photo, taken from afar,  Steven D. commits a grave error by wearing the egregious hat and sunglasses (hiding: bad hair, no hair, squinty eyes, tattoos). More red flags.

To Tell the Truth

Mickey writes that she ‘likes Jenga and Scrabble‘ (couch potato) and her cats. She says she “is a big woman, with a big heart and big fun.” No mystery there; Mickey’s candid photograph indicates the same. Give her credit: she is honest and to the point.

‘Walter Mitty Mike’ should be a fiction writer.

Despite his friend’s protestations, he writes that he is “a doctor with three North Bay offices; he collects old cars, has a place in the mountains, and  a pied-a-terre in the City, in addition, he collects French wines.”

His best friends will tell you, actually, the veterinarian business is slow, so Mike works three days a week all over Petaluma and Novato; he drives a great old truck; has a Rambler and a Corvair; and he has a big tent, in the summer, above Truckee. His place in the City? He camps out with a buddy in a studio apartment in SOMA, where the two like to party and paint the town beige. Mike likes a good story and tells one — after another.

Someone has to tell him Ménage a Trois is not a French wine. And, that there is a time and place for everything.

‘I’m a Barbie’ writes her entire profile in uppercase letters.

Those in the know say, beware: possible anger issues here.  Barbie says she’s “spontaneous to a fault” (red flags flashing). This generally translates to disorganized, ditzy, and unpredictable. All are qualities some men might … cherish. Or not. Clever Barbie writes she is looking for a Ken doll with a Maserati…or Porsche…Millionaire.com didn’t work out for her. Tsk.

There are a lot of stories in “The Dated City”

Remember: Honesty is the best policy and the truth will set you free — and help you avoid embarrassing situations. He will know it a minute that the cute  photo take ten years ago is a fake…She will know that your 5’6 height is not 5’10…what are you thinking? 

Give online dating a whirl, take it all with a shaker of salt,  and have fun out there.

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