Who is on First Base? Online Dating Games

Originally posted on Suddenly Single in Marin:

What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.

Abbott and Costello’s rapid-fire baseball comedy bit: Who’s on First is a perfect metaphor for the dating game. Like baseball there are wins, losses, slumps, night games and home runs.

Who

After you’ve connected with someone online, expect The Formula. You each exchange three e-mails, followed by a suggestion for a phone call. A few phone calls, generally 2.5, (one message left on answering machine) are followed by a few more emails. Then it happens: the line drive, maybe a double play: the coffee shop quickie where you size up one another.

Some first daters bring a mental yardstick and measure the other person.

Myles H. (56, widowed, bicyclist, poet)  is a classic ‘measurer upper.’ An engineer by profession, he was used to the facts, just the facts ma’am. From the moment he shook hands with a woman he had romanced on…

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Please Don’t Feed the Cougars

A choreography of Cougars

 Don’t you love the clever names for the groupings of birds and mammals?

  •  A flock of seagulls
  • A pride of lions
  • A glaring of cats
  • A choreography of cougars

Thursday nights at the Rosewood Bar Palo Alto  is infamous for the choreography of Cougars pacing the bar looking for an easy Mark (Tim, John, or Steve.)

Cindi, Lindee, and Mindey all dressed up and somewhere to go Rosewood – The Bar

These three women – dressed to kill, personify Cougars on the prowl. Some Silicon Valley guys just belly up to the bar on Thursdays to have a drink and watch the feline floorshow. The Trio works the room with short-hand menu of carefully choreographed cues.

After a naïve, unsuspecting, Target has graciously offered to buy all three a drink…drinks arrive – sip, sip – wink, wink and Cindi leans in, very close, put her hand on the guy’s hand and whispers that the trio is going to the loo. Stunned, the victim looks at the knot of mercenaries, pick up their $14.00 Martinis as they disappear.

It is no secret, Silicon Valley is rampant with geeks and nerds and the socially awkward. Is fertile ground for women on the stalking circuit.

Vanity Fair published a hilarious piece about the choreography of cougars slinking around the bar at Rosewood. Like moths drawn to a light, the nerds, the geeks, the dweebs and nimrods flock to the bar…hoping, wishing, one of the older women “in dresses as tight as sausage casings” might let them buy them a drink. Cheers, boys – buckle up! It is going to be an expensive ride.

Check out: Three Distinctive Traits of a Cougar

  1. Those who are running, biking or crouched over a drink are especially tempting to a cougar.
  1. Though some of the documented cougar attacks have occurred in broad daylight, cougars are most active Thursday nights night, so stay indoors between dusk and dawn.

3. Cougars like to eat, which increases the likelihood that one will start hanging around your table at a restaurantSONY DSC

“Take, for example, the African jungle, the home of the cheetah. On whom does the cheetah prey? The old, the sick, the wounded, the weak, the very young, but never the strong. Lesson: If you would not be prey, you had better be strong.”
G. Gordon Liddy
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Computer Dating Santa Clara U – 1977- first computer dating

Originally posted on Suddenly Single in Marin:

Engineering Students  Invent Computer Dating: Santa Clara University  1977

Michael and Richard were classic Computer Science majors. They spent an inordinate amount of time in the computer lab in 1977.

The terms ‘geek’ and ‘nerd’ had not yet been created, they were called ‘brainiacs’ or ‘square’ by other guys in the dorm.

Michael was on scholarship and was always devising moneymaking schemes. ‘Kegger Bingo’ was a hit until a RA busted the party. Cupid must have played a part when the two guys decided to throw a dance with computer-matched dates. They conjured up a few algorithms and a dozen questions and, voila, they could promote a ‘matchmaking-dance.’ Cleverly, they made the boy’s cards blue and the girl’s cards pink.

Each person would pay five dollars, fill out a rudimentary questionnaire and bingo, the computer would match up couples for the dance. At first, the two-glad scientists…

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Danger Dating: Texting – Road to perdition?

bad photos12Is texting a pit stop on the Road to perdition?

 The trouble with texting

 On their first date, Chandra (25) fell fast and hard for Tim (27)–he was fun, flirty and full of ideas for cool dates: hikes, concerts, and day trips. Their original coffee date lasted three hours and went from lattes in Laurel Village to a walk around Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park. 

They agreed to make plans. That night, he sent her a text, which morphed, into a heavily flirtatious stream. An hour flew by; he signed off with the risqué version of ‘sleep well.’ Three nights later, he texted her with an amusing opening line. She bit. She rolled right into “coquettish” and he double entendre his way around cheeky and lusty, in no time.

After the short rhetorical romp- laced with innuendo, Chandra pulled up the drawbridge and thought her come-on might have been too suggestive. Why do women go straight to “Was it something I said?”  (Reality Check: no, actually, Tim came on like gangbusters.)

And so it goes, he never called again. He texted a few times and failed to respond to her invitation, “Call me.” End of a classic story.

Texting that gets out of hand: It ramps up to: too much, too soon, too fast –  often flops into a dead end.dead-end-777__180 Craigslist: how much more anonymous can you get? Check out “Men seeking Women” (and all variations on the same theme.) Craigslist ads are completely anonymous with no accountability. Frankly, it really is perverse playground for people who hide behind the cloak of anonymity.

Bizarre, wacky, and outlandish posts fill the pages of Craigslist:

  • Need a girlfriend and you need a boyfriend. I’m attached, with plenty of free time.
  • Semi-perfect sensualist wants to play Adam & Eve with a thorny thinker.
  • (See: Kooky Kinky Craigslist : here )
  • There are the men offering nooners to bored housewives; kooky guys claim to be looking for a “granddaughter” they can spoil. What?
  • Ribald gals claiming that the lusty month of May applies to June and July and they are looking for a guy who appreciates a “big Mama,” weigh in.

There is a whole lotta bizarre, wackety-wack oddball stuff.

Who writes this stuff? Chuck is a 15-year-old sophomore in high school and he giggles as he creates Craigslist ads after school. His métier is “Men looking for Women 20 to 30.” He places two want-to-be -lascivious ads every day. He blushes when anyone responds to his Walter Mitty off-the-wall ads.  If only his mother knew.

Texting can be light and fun – and can morph into a debacle. Since when is talking on the phone considered cumbersome and “Old School?”    

A so-called relationship based on mere texting – and little or no actual conversation is a classic:  Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Binkie, are you thinking of Sexting? See here

Be careful out there.Gator20081017

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Match.com study reveals men prefer “Snuggling” over – pretty much everything

Originally posted on Suddenly Single in Marin:

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A recent analysis of Match.com Male Profiles

(Ages 40-60, Never Married, Divorced, Widowed, within 1000 miles of California) indicates a very strong preference for the use of the word and the desire to “Snuggle.”

See Samples Below:

I hope you would like snuggling by the fire listening to the rain.

I like fireplaces, bubble baths, and snuggling.

I just want to snuggle on the couch.

Do you want to be my snuggle bunny?

After a long day at work, I just like to watch TV and snuggle. How about you?

My favorite thing to do is snuggling, kissing, and snuggling. Golly, gee whiz.

My favorite thing to do? Oh, I have a long list. But first on the list of snuggling, ya wanna?

This particular study* group espouses no interest in: embracing, cradling, holding close, hugging, caressing or enveloping.Note:  This predilection, known as Myopic Verbal Dystopia is not contagious.

“Canoodling” holds a close second to Snuggling.

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How to ruin a first date – 10 easy steps to dating debacles

beeTop Ten Buzz Kill Topics to Avoid on Your First Date

In polite society there are certain subjects one evades and escapes. It’s what we do. Everyone knows a first date can be very much like that famous Charles Dickens line about ‘the best of times and the worst of times.’

Did I Say That Out Loud?

First date? The best thing you can do is relax and be aware of what you say and how much information you share. When ‘Suddenly Single’ people meet for the first time, they may be nervous and may blather on mindlessly. You want to avoid doing that. Seriously.

This is one of those times to be mindful of the conversation and the subject matter. As you navigate merrily down the stream (of consciousness), be aware several subjects you should avoid like the plague.

In Random Order- First Date Topics to Avoid at All Costs
The Top Ten Buzz Kill Subjects:
1. Plagues (i.e. frogs, gnats, flies boils, livestock, locusts)
2. Your Ex and your exploits – B-o-r-i-n-g!
3. Dull times three: Your problematic divorce
4. Your problems (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional)
5. Dating: Details of your recent dates: good or bad or ugly
6. Deaths, dying, funerals – cast a pall on most meetings
7. Are you Kidding? Misbehaving kids. Do not play the game: ‘My Kid is Worse Than Yours’ on a first date. Ever.
8. Money:Financial plights and problems
9. Bad Trips- Don’t mention it. Any Recent forays into rehab, the slammer, big house, or correctional facility
10. Politics can be incendiary. Tread lightly and practice diplomacy. Take a pulse before leaping into a potential inferno. Fox-TV, The Newt, The Mitt, are not loved by all.

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What Can I Say?

Yes, Binkie, the cards should be placed on the table. Choose your cards wisely. Honesty is always the best policy…however, in clichéd reality: discretion is the better part of valor. First impressions are lasting and first dates can only lead to a second date or a “Don’t call me, I’ll call you. Maybe.”

kids_-7
San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at Page.Larkin@gmail.com. Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column — click the Subscribe button at the top of the page.Rin

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Lulu the App: Sweet revenge or ugly behavior?

sad-man The new online dating app -onLulu.com Character assassination or just pithy reports?

Susana was angry. Very angry. She sat at the Buckeye Roadhouse for an hour waiting for “Mr. Wright.” They agreed to meet at one o’clock for their first date- after a weeklong exchange of flirtatious e-mails. Susana had a manicure ($30) had a blowout ($50) She bought a new lipstick for the occasion (Estée Lauder Kiss me pink $35) and was wearing her brand-new designer jeans ($200) and she borrowed her friend’s red Kate Spade purse. She arrived exactly on time and scanned the restaurant looking for “Mr. Wright” 5”8, blonde, Athletic and toned, spiritual not religious, exercise three times a week, sales rep. She guessed she was early, and sat at the bar and waited. And waited. Fifteen minutes went by. She assumed parking was difficult… maybe there was traffic. Another five long minutes went- by she started to get mad. In three years, she’d never had to wait this long to meet a Match.com Perfect Match. She ordered a shot of Padron tequila and three limes. She checked her phone every two minutes- growing increasingly incensed that she was being stood up. At 12:45 she paid her tab and stormed out.

When she got home, she signed onto onLulu.com (dubbed “The Yelp for Men”      a Rating/dating App)  She was going to rip this guy a new profile. Fueled by the tequila, rejection and a healthy dose of anger, she signed onto Lulu and started writing-while-seething. It gave her great pleasure to push the ‘Send’ button so all the other women in the world would know that Mr. Wright a.k.a. John Smith, 55, from Redwood City was a louse, a liar, a creep and she advised all women to stay away from him, he was trouble.

She signed on to Match.com and started looking for a newer better cuter guy. i-like-youicon-greatTwo days later, Susana was at work when she got a text from Mr. Wright asking if they could talk. Aha! He must’ve heard about his reputation slam on Lulu. Just desserts. She refused to dignify his text with a response. Two hours later there was another text. Bored, she read the long text. What did he want? The two-timing- probably married – creep. John Smith wrote a text of apology- understanding she might be somewhat angry. However, on his way to Marin, he was involved in that famous multi-car accident on Highway 280. He ended up going to the hospital with 12 other people. He spent hours in the waiting room, and emergency room, and was finally released in the wee hours of the morning with a neck injury. He been home sleeping and taking pain pills for two days and have finally surfaced after the horrific accident. His car was in the shop, he was going to get a Zip Car. He apologized again and asked if they could talk. Whoops!

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned See: The New Yorker: Lulu.com – The Rating App en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lulu_(app)

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Match.com – how to write the best profile

Originally posted on Suddenly Single in Marin:

clock_n6r_1280
Eureka! I have found it!

The perfect Match.com profile, take note.

The California State motto is also the exclamation heard around

the proverbial ‘girls locker room’ at Match.com world. Women talk.

Profiles in Courage or Candor?

His profile started with a dash of self-deprecating humor, he segued into a cute story about a cold and dreary night-Halloween-with his cute nine year-old daughter. He describes his creative, spontaneous costume that won the approval and smiles from all around (clearly established in four sentences: good dad, sense of humor, spontaneous, sweet.)

Then, a short, sweet paragraph waxing philosophical about what’s important in life. And, next the coup de grace: Jimmy K. reveals he thinks gray hair is sexy, he loves laugh lines, and a few extra pounds…

He calls them a “huge turn on.”

valentines-flash-box-990

For all intents and purposes,  Jimmy K is a classic, all-American, guy.

He lives in the…

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New Chapters: The grumpy old man vs the liberated woman?

photo_1890_20060818

Max was none too happy when his wife of 28 years moved out, divorced him and started having, “The time of her life.”

He was left with the rambling old house, an incontinent dog and early retirement -all were more frightening, than exhilarating.

A CPA for 29.7 years, Max had carefully planned out – well everything: his retirement, buying a Recreational Vehicle, selling the house, living in campgrounds and beaches for a year before moving to Arizona – the land of perpetual sunshine, golf and hammock time. It was his dream.

His Ex developed an aversion to living in a “trailer,” camping, and the sun. She loathed golf and thought hammocks were a waste of time.

She became a vegetarian, started taking poetry workshops and watercolor classes, spin classes and attending lectures at the local junior college and the JCC.

The more he eased into retirement modus operandi- she geared up for a richer, more active life. She wanted to invent something, to write poetry, appear at Book Passages, and be to a star of the slam poetry group. She volunteered at film festivals and art shows and thought perhaps she should make a film. Why not?

hopeMax grew more bored by the day. He never imagined himself being single. Was he lonely or bored – or both? He hoped his Ex would come back.

Taking a page from his younger, bachelor-neighbor with the parade of women arriving at his house each month, Max decided to sign up for online dating.

Two of his golf buddies, divorced and hovering around 50, were dabbling in dating and encouraged him heartily. Why not? If nothing else, Max is thorough. He did his due diligence and believing ‘You get what you pay for,’ he skipped all the “free sites” and decided to try a month eHarmony for $70.00. He had half-watched the upbeat dating TV ads with the Orville Redenbacher character touting the company’s high success rate for years. Why not?

His sister-in-law in Ohio encouraged him. She urged him to date women his own age. He didn’t tell her that he was having none of that. Like a new car, he was going for the younger, faster, sleeker model than his old wife.

He even debated about leasing a Tesla. One of his clients had leased one and he looked really cool.

One friend told him to get rid of the old man jeans, the baggy sweaters, the sweats and the T-shirts with funny logos. Off to Tommy Bahama’s- The Outlet- for shirts, and slacks. Ta-da! The “New” Max.

The Biggest Mistake – The Selfie in the Mirror

Every picture Max had – was of his ex-wife and him: photos in Hawaii, at restaurants, at parties with friends. There were no good, recent – in the last ten years – photos of him to put up online. Resourceful, he pointed his camera at the mirror and took 15 photos. Two words: Not Good.

Nothing says “loser” like a Selfie in the Mirror Shot

 If you don’t have a friend – to take your photo with your smart phone – ask a neighbor, a dog walker, your gardener to snap five photos. Choose one.

 Fortunately, Max had to return one shirt to the Tommy Bahama store – and he sheepishly asked the sales clerk to take a photo of him. Smart girl, she took ten photos of Max – all around the store, and three were good. Bingo. He was ready to sign on and get in the game. And, he did!

Look out world, here comes Max!

Once a grump – always a grump?

red

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Tinder – is the night in Marin?

photo_2787_20070814I swiped right and Tinder is the Night? or Night mare?

You know – you want to do it. You want to try it.

Tinder: All the kids were doing it. Why not you?

Originally, Tinder was dubbed: Hook-Up 101  Swipe left – Not so Much – Swipe Right…Right now/ or later?

How can 50 million kids be wrong? One recent article identifies Tinder Users (TU’s) as close to 50 million people with the average user spending 90 minutes a day hiding, seeking, swiping, and hoping.

I’m on Tinder Hooks? Now What?

How does Tinder work? Sign up with your Facebook account for a level of identity verification. No, your Tinder account will not your broadcast to your Facebook friends. However be it true/flattering or not, your age and photos are scooped off of Facebook.

Tinder then matches you to other TU’s in your age range and your vicinity. Like magic, six photos of TU’s appear who match your  age /location.

Right Swipe that person’s photo to indicate interest, or Go Left if – not so much.

Now, if that cute Right Swipe of yours also swiped you Right, then, bingo! You are a match and are free to talk.

imagesswmimYou ought to be in pictures?

Fact: Your really can’t tell how tall or short a person is with snapshot…

It’s also hard to tell how “skinny or stout” your Right Swipe is until you see them up close and personal. You, the toned, climbing wall diva, is probably not going to fall for “cute and pudgy.”

In the beginning, Tinder was all about college kids – not well versed in the Golden Rule, and etiquette – but wildly pressed by peer pressure- so there was a whole lot of hurt feelings masked with a dash of  ‘cavalier.’ So much rejection – so little time.

sad-manWho said, Tinder is a popularity contest on steroids?

Advice for Suddenly Single ladies who are hesitant to try out Tinder? Try it. You might like it. Please  be smart about who you meet and where. Always speak on the phone before meeting.

 Daytime date?   Tell your BFF friends where your are going  and who your are meeting. Can’t hurt. In Marin, Nadia likes The Melting Pot in Larkspur – perfect location, ambiance, lighting, noise level for a first meeting. Henry wows them at D’Angelo in Mill Valley. In San Francisco, Ronne likes Artesano in Laurel Village – free parking, great coffee, best Brownie con caramel- to share- in the City and a  good wine selection. Close to the Bridge.

Keep a very open mind and chances are, you’re not the only woman who was matched with ‘’that guy.’ And Vice Versa.

Tinder is a Hot-or-Not app …Good Luck, out there.15DATING1-master675

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