Match my Harmony? Plenty of Chemistry? Online dating

smallwwer26831_20130808Everything I know about online dating…

In the beginning, Internet Dating, if nothing else, is two things: amusing and addictive. It’s like a drug. As a virtual virgin you find yourself sucked into hours of scanning photos and reading profiles.

At first, you conscientiously read every profile that the dating companies serve you on a silver screen. After all, you have waded through pages and pages of questions and tests. It’s a romantic Rorschach test. You’ve supplied name, rank, cereal flavor and a plethora of likes and dislikes and paid the big bucks. Throwing caution to the wind, you take the leap.   Here is a handful of well-researched points of observation:

* If a person lies about their age, Know: 55 is not the  new 35; there’s room for concern.

* If you are voracious reader, runner, writer, cook and their idea of fun is watching TV, Note: they are not going to change.

* If you are an REI, Orvis, Sports Basement person and  running, jumping, biking, hiking, spelunking, throwing, diving are your passions and your “proposed match” isn’t into any or all – dash.

* If upon meeting your “Perfect Match” and they don’t remotely resemble their photo, Caution: There are Amber lights flashing.

* If his or her profile consists of boasts and brags about all their accomplishments and two favorite words are I and I – say the magic word, “Next.”

* If their activity list is very short and consists of ‘snuggling on the couch’, and you’re an active, dynamic person with more interests: red flag.

*If you are interested in Camus and Sartre….and they said Kama Sutra – it might be a match.

* If your IQs don’t match it might be a red flag. Maybe not. However, if they ramble on about Byzantine art, quarks and metaphysics and you keeping thinking: too quirky and want to taking a quantum leap outa there. Not a match.

* If you see facets of anger, rudeness, moodiness, and addictions: Red flag.

* If you thought, he said Penn State and he really said state pen. Red flag.images

It’s a well-known fact that people are on their very best behavior on the first four dates. On approximately date number four, for the gloves come off. Did you see a flag?

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Best Advice from Page Larkin: Daters beware: Be savvy, smart and be safe. Talk on the phone before you actually meet. Ask questions. Take the time to get to know your potential date. No, Virginia, texting does not count as a conversation. You must speak on the phone – for more than five minutes.

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at page.larkin@gmail.com.

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Girls and Boys – What’s the difference? OMG

Originally posted on Suddenly Single in Marin:

fruits and flowers

It All Started with Eve…

FACT: The differences between Boys and Girls are titanic.

Men take a woman out on a date and afterwords ponder the Big Three Questions:

1.) Was she cute? 2.) Was she fun? 3.) And, did she flirt?

That’s all.

Women, on the other hand, during and after a date, mull, ponder, dwell and think way too much.

As they do an instant replay of the evening they determine if their date was polite, fun, attentive, sweet, kind, flirty – but not overly so- and the list goes on. And, on.When did this exhaustive female ‘Post Date Analysis’ start? What happened to “Hey, that was fun. Let’s do it again. I’ll call.” And he says, “Deal.”

Men Have Simple Needs: WD-40, a Swiss Army Knife, duct tape, a hammer, a tape measure, a barbecue, a remote control, a Giant’s winning streak, a Lazy-boy recliner…

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Sleeping – Sex and the Single Girls

photo_10108_20090419roseAre you in the mood for love: sleep or sex? Can you have it all?

Sleep

Women are generally pre-disposed to comfort; we have a penchant for sensual fabrics: lofty, light, down comforters and pillows- lots and lots of pillows.

While we may not count sheep – we count threads. If a sheet doesn’t have a 300+ thread count and isn’t 100% Egyptian cotton – you will hear a rousing, “Next!”

There is also a love for coverlets, quilts and duvets, throw, blankets – we aspire to layers of ultimate softness and Warm Things https://warmthingsonline.com

“Warmth, all designed to cocoon one into the sweetest of dreams.”

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It is no mystery: Women love fresh flowers, fresh sheets, candlelight, music, mystery, massage, merriment… 

What is a Buzzkill?

A True Romantic Buzzkill is an unmade bed, scratchy sheets, “not-fresh” sheets, that cat in the corner staring, hard pillows, water beds, bunk beds, pictures of old sweethearts on the wall, any and all traces of old girl-friends /Ex’s. 

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Pillow Talk?  Caution: Amazon Prime – a joke or pillow Scam Sham?  Really,  who would buy a pillow for $11,000? So far, no one. Is this a loss leader? Hype? A Scam or a sham? Go figure.  Go ahead, look and gasp: Chooty & Co Luxe Polyester Throw Pillow $11,000

 Get Down, Get DownFact: Pacific Coast makes the best pillows and pillow beds. See Here

Finally: Lose Sleep over this Scam or Sham?   Ogallala Comfort Company 76-In x 80-In 800-Fill White Goose Hypo-Down Comforter, King  is $3400.00. Really?

 

Sex – What say you?

Sex is emotion in motion.     Mae West

Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.     Marilyn Monroe

 A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.     Gloria Steinem

In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.     Nora Ephron

Sex is… perfectly natural. It’s something that’s pleasurable. It’s enjoyable and it enhances a relationship. So why don’t we learn as much as we can about it and become comfortable with ourselves as sexual human beings because we are all sexual?     Sue Johanson

Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk — real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.     Jack Kerouac

The way you make love is the way God will be with you.     Rumi

I like threesomes with two women, not because I’m a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I’m a romantic. I’m looking for “The One.” And I’ll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.     Russell Brand

Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.      Andy Warhol

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.   Mitch Hedberg

For Great Sex Advice-  Look for  books by Isadora Alman – once the High Priestess of Sex Advice in San Francisco – she was a risqué, tell it like it is – or should be –  Dr Ruth  before Dr Ruth.

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Hello, Pluto! Ready for Your Close Up?

photo_14917_20091014Discovered in 1930, Tiny Pluto is the 2nd closest Dwarf Planet to the Sun.

In 2006,  Little Pluto got the boot.  The powers that be dismissed Small Pluto as a real planet and put it out to pasture- naming it a Dwarf…

At one point it was classified as the 9th  planet.

Itsy Bitay Pluto is also the second most massive dwarf planet with Huge Eris being the most massive.

Who knew?
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It appears Half-pint Pluto has a Heart shape form on it’s surface.word hears

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Joy!  Ten years in the making and we have photographs of  pint-sized Pluto starring in the headlines of every important newspaper on the globe.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ripped from the Headlines.”

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EHarmony is funny – not ha-ha funny – just strange?

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Mitzi moved from Sausalito to Sacramento to be close to her kids/grandkids.

She is 66, ready to retire, a sometimes tennis player, she volunteers, and is a superb cook.

As her career slowed and her free time multiplied, she decided it was time to meet a “date for life” and blithely signed up for EHarmony.

She plowed through the countless, boring pages of quirky and bizarre questions. She figured six months would be adequate time to meet a handful (or two) of great guys and have fun doing it.

She paid the big bucks, sat back and waited.

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EHarmony is a funny animal… but not ha-ha funny.

You say you want to meet somebody in the Bay Area and they send you “perfect dates” from Boise, Idaho, Boring, Oregon, and Bismarck, North Dakota.

You clearly indicate you want to meet somebody within a one-hour radius of your home.

Those crazy kids in India (EH employees- can you spell outsourced?) think that Phoenix is close, and Albuquerque is, too. Get a map, get a globe, and get an idea, EH.

HERTS_2276Mitzi likes the Giants, movies,  dancing, Yosemite, has a wonderful garden, is a creative cook and knows wine. Any cool guy her age and demographic would be lucky.

She called me for “First Aid Appointment.” We reviewed her mini essays, Bio, pics and tweaked and updated all. We cast the net wide (50 to 90 miles) to see who might be compatible and have mutual interests in the vicinity.

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Note to the Men: What Not to Wear- Dating Profile Pictures

1. Never post a picture of you with a woman (EX, BFF, date, daughter)

2. Delete all grainy, fuzzy, antiquated photos from high school. Current (2015) pictures only.

3.  The Naked Truth? Bare Chest? Barrel chest? Topless?   Unless you look like, Dwayne Johnson or Daniel Craig, cover up, Daddy-O. Leave something to the imagination.

4. Not So Easy, Rider: The headscarf, sunglasses, leathers, motorcycle and lacy tattoos up and down your arms are an acquired taste. Note: Go neutral the first photo; the great reveal comes later, dude.

Delta Don, what’s that flower you have on? We scoured the EHarmony, male population, 65 to 72, and were hard-pressed to find another professional with remotely similar interests. Mitzi doesn’t like motorcycles or fishing in the Delta in Stockton, guns and hunting is not her cup of Earl Grey.

15DATING1-master675The Take Away?

Try EHarmony? Maybe. But, only for a one-month trial.

Try Match.com’s free 3-7 day free trial.

Take a look OKCupid-it’s free and you can spend hours reviewing profiles. You be surprised to see some of the same faces on Match.com also on OKCupid (or Plenty of Fish)

This week, Mitzi is up and running on OKCupid. She is much happier with the demographics. We may have lift-off. Stay tuned.red-319374__180Dating at 50? 60?

How is that working for you?

Tell me your story: page.larkin@gmail.com

 

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Summertime and the dating is easy?

Floating DevcesTwo simple rules to keep you cool as you begin writing your online profile. Rule #1. Your Dating Profile: Keep it Simple Whether you are on your virgin voyage – writing your first Match.com dating profile – or re-writing it for the tenth time, remember: Don’t tell all. Leave something up to the reader’s imagination. Coy and cute are far superior to cold, hard facts linked together like the proverbial shopping list. You may be very proud of your cool car, hot career, cats, kids, kayaking prowess, stamp collecting or church choir debut. Merely listing these attributes or accomplishments is dull times three.

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Boast Not: And, yes, it’s great your kid just graduated from an Ivy League school – however, all that bragging about your offspring (a la Pimp My Kid) might just as well be mentioned later.

Each day, there is a new parade of hopeful romantics who sign up for Match, JDate, and eHarmony and Plenty of Fish. Note: your goal is to grab attention, quietly and quickly.You must be proactive and get in the game.

#2. Don’t try this at home  

Remember: quirky isn’t cute; it’s been done and it’s a bore. The 2005 photograph of you dressed as a French maid or peeking over a Sally Rand fan may garner the wrong kind of attention. And, writing your profile – from your dog’s point of view – may have been funny for that sixth-grade assignment, but not at this juncture.

Do you have an urge to brag about your myriad accomplishments – medals, trophies, and downtown clubs? Hold off on that.  Please delete any and all references to your Ex or your nightmare divorce. No one wants to hear about it. Seriously.

Be sure to check out the competition. Take the time to look at what other people your age are writing… some will inspire, others will bore, some may spark your attention. It’s called ‘Comparative shopping’ and it works. Take the time to write a thoughtful, succinct profile.

Bravo and Kudos to you!   Congratulations for taking the first step and signing up for online dating. Three cheers for you. Remember to have fun as you navigate the waters of the dating pool. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Kick back, relax, and have the time of your life.  Plan on laughing a lot.

“Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.”   Oscar Wilde

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Can you age gracefully in Marin County?

glasss photoKristie, (70 – admits to being 55) is an ex-flight attendant. She readily divulges there were a couple of husbands, a few boyfriends, a sweetheart or two, a fling here and there. And there. She says there were a handful of beaus – and way too many bozos.

She used to say, quite frankly, she needed a man in her life. She simply did not want to be alone.

In the beginning…

 She was the prom queen, homecoming queen, Miss Monroe County, Miss Dairy, then, she landed the career of a lifetime: flight attendant. All of her friends said that she had the most fabulous job in the world. They all wanted to know about pilots, the Mile High Club, play boys and all those glamorous destinations she got to visit.

Time marches on

Life, age, and gravity have all taken a toll. Kristie is always on the lookout for any facsimile of the Fountain of Youth –frequently takes herself to see Dr. Bodewell aka “Dr. Bod.”

“Dr. Bod” is one of the Top 10 most famous San Francisco plastic surgeons; his waiting room is filled with women vying for that all-important transformation.  Through the years, Kristie has had a few nips and tucks-a half dozen enhancements and various other procedures. You don’t want to know all the “The Work “ she has endured.

A New Meaning for Tiny Bubbles? She is petite; now, she’s now very well endowed; she has youthful, flawless skin and pink plump lips; her teeth resemble Chiclets. And she now has “the ass of the 25-year-old.” She claims the curvaceous “Bubble Butt” is the ‘new’ nose job.

Kristie reads a book

Last year, one very slim book changed the way Kristie thinks. As a rule, she shies away from any book over 100 pages- it’s just too much thinking for her. It’s not that she doesn’t like thinking- she does, just not too much of it.  And, long books are boring.

Somewhere, she ran across a book called The Knight in the Rusty Armor.  

Our heroine, a little ADD, thought the book was romance novel called, “A Night in the Rusty Armoire.”

Since the book was short, she gave it a look- loved it- she even read the book a second time. In her entire life, she has never read a book a second time.

Now, The New Kristie buys five copies of The Knight in Rusty Armor at a time, and gives them -to all of her friends and acquaintances. This book changed her life – just like EST did in the 1970s.

Kristie will now admit to once being totally consumed with her appearance. Looking good – no, looking fabulous -was everything to her. Slowly, carefully, she has climbed off that lofty pedestal and is embracing being “around 60.” She is a work-in-progress and a lot more fun. She will tell you she is just like “The Knight.” Then, she will urge you to read the book.

Now, a happy girl, she has updated her ‘Bucket List,’ and her ‘To Do List’ and modified her passion to look 39 forever.

An Audrey Hepburn fan, Kristie says her new mantra is:

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Audrey Hepburn

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Turning 50? Single? Get an Un-Bucket List

Originally posted on Suddenly Single in Marin:

let_them_eat cake_7Top Ten Dating Rules for Girls Over 50

 The Birthday Girls, once the brazen 49-er’s are turning 50.

The coterie subscribes to the “Life is short, kick up your heels” philosophy. On the precipice of hitting 50 – with gusto – they created their very own ‘Un-bucket list’

Through the decades, the friends have been through the highest highs and the lowest lows. Cherie B, their scribe, writes:  “At times, life was like heaven (weddings, babies, careers, white picket fences, celebrations) and like hell (teenagers, parents dying, and making ex-husbands).”

The 10 women who met as coeds at Santa Clara University have gracefully blossomed into women. At their big 5-0 celebration, they decided to kick up their heels at their favorite restaurant, Aziza and finish the night at Zero-Zero.

Statistics: Some Suddenly Single- Their Creed

As fate would have it, six of the women are single and blithely swimming in, or…

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Google the girl? Really? By all means…

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Top three best ideas to do before date

Okay, so you met a real “looker” on Match.com. She liked your profile, you liked her profile. Your interest is piqued. However, her profile is very short and sweet. Perhaps, too succinct. You politely suggest a telephone call would be in order. She agrees, asks for your number and calls you. In the course of the conversation, she mentions her last name and the city she grew up in. You do the same. You are intrigued and notice that she’s rather reticent about offering too much information. This is either very mysterious and attractive or bizarre. toys-376056__180

You’ve met “Bizarre” and never want to go there again.

In this age of social media, if you don’t take advantage of some simple, superfluous research, it is your own fault.

  1. Google the girl
  2. Check out LinkedIn and Facebook.
  3. See their Pinterest Account

 4bb1d7188f9c41efa4b0f586a90fe50b Letters to Page Larkin

 Dear Page,

You said to ‘Google the girl’ before a date and look at her Pinterest, LinkedIn accounts. I did Google her and all that came up was an obituary for her dad (included) there’s no information. Pinterest was just a bunch of pictures. Your advice stinks.    Phools Gold

Dear Phools Gold,

Eureka! You hit pay dirt. Remember lesson #1: Always read between the lines. 

The obituary notice spoke volumes. She comes from a very large family, based in The Valley, her father was once in the lumber business – later, in vineyards; all siblings (four) went to Davis to study Viticulture & Enology. Her parents were married for 60 years. One paragraph tells you a ton about her background, family life, education and interests. Pay attention.

Take the time to look at these huge clues.   Pinterest – might look like a “bunch of pictures,” however, it is also clear indicator of people’s hobbies, interests, travel, and passions (art, literature, music, architecture and fashion.)   LinkedIn is a snapshot of a career, colleagues, accomplishments and interests.   So, Mr. Phools Gold, slow down, and smell the roses and read between the lines.

You may be new at this game; learn the rules, and take advantage of information that’s at your fingertips. It will save you a lot of time and energy. Let me know how that- golden information- works for you. Peace, Page

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Letters to Page Larkin: Dating Games, deal breakers, ditch the dude?

photo_21523_20120317To Ms. Larkin,

I’m a fan and know you can figure this one out. I’m too old for dating games. I’m just an all-American, divorced, 62 yr. old male. I met a great gal four months ago. I thought we were soul mates, except for one thing: every date I feel like I’m being tested. She parades me in front of her friends; takes me to chick-flicks and museums. I can do anything once.  I don’t swing dance- she does – we did that. I like to make her happy – but feel like I am jumping through hoops. She claims she isn’t testing me. I think she has a report card going.

Give me a break Bob

To Give me a break Bob

So you’ve met a potential soul mate, she takes you out of your comfort zone and you try totally new experiences. Kudos to you for stepping out of comfort and into a challenge. The best thing to do is to talk about how you are feeling. Let her know what makes you uncomfortable and start introducing her to your favorite past times. You’re doing great! Gold stars for you, Bob.

Ms. Page Larkin,

George (65) and I met on Chemistry and we’ve been dating three weeks. He admitted he has a “Deal breaker” list. Now he tells me he the “Naked” Truth, he lives for H.A.I and Harbin Hot Springs and just now told me is semi-polyamorous. I’m an old-fashioned 56-year-old woman- and only date one guy at a time. We really dig one another, but, I’m not doing ‘shares’ with anyone. Ditch the dude or hang in?

Karalee

Ms. Karalee,

You sound like a woman who knows what she wants. Before jumping ship, talk to George and tell him your feelings about dating multiple partners. If you both are in that first blush of ‘Dating Around’ and exploring options, tell him. It is always a good idea to set parameters and discuss exactly what you are looking for in a partner. Ask questions before “Ditching the dude.”

Peace, Page

Dear Page,

I’m a 61 year old, divorced twice, man looking for a date for life. I have been around the block and over the hill. After 3+ years on Match.com and a hundred dates, I know I am interested in finding what I want, more than just sampling different women.

You’re right about the way we ‘Buffet Date’ and the Candy store idea. I’m tired of that. Page, please tell women to stop playing games and that guys are working hard at this dating stuff.

Danny Boy in Brisbane

Dear Danny Boy,

Thanks for the comments. Yes, women want to know what men are thinking. And, you are right:  we all need to be a whole lot nicer to one another. Good luck and have fun.

Hey, Page Larkin

Two months ago, I was inspired by your “prompt” and the TV ads and I signed up for EHarmony. I’ve had 20 dates with all kind of guys – some good, some bad. I’m bored with the long wait time. What do I do next?

Annie Santa Clara

 Hey, Annie Santa Clara

Good for you for taking the plunge and trying your hand at Internet dating. It takes nerve and a sense of adventure to give it a whirl. Let’s fill in the blanks here: 20 dates in two months and not one keeper? What are the Top Three Qualities you are looking for in a date? Remember, Prince Charming is already taken.

Are you regulated by a strident “Must Have” list, or are you open to meeting men who don’t exactly match your picture perfect portrait? For comparative shopping, try a free site like Plenty of Fish or OKCupid. Try, Try, again with an open mind and an open heart.

Peace, Page

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San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at Page.Larkin@gmail.com Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column — click the Subscribe button at the top of the page.

 Hey, kids, remember:  Hit ’em, go get em, slide to either side, pick up dirt, throw it at a reindeer and don’t forget to have fun out there.

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