You’ve seen all the “Rule Books”

on dating, mating, flirting, and living… most are written by women.

At last a guy, ANON, has taken the time to create a ‘List of Rules From the Manly Man Point of View’.

The original manuscript, written on a piece of binder paper, had no real scholarly pretensions. Through time, numerous readers felt compelled to enhance and embellish the edicts. What you see before you is a compendium of clever manly dictates.

Note: Because these are the Manly Men Rules they are all numbered ’1′ for a purpose ~ each is equally as important.

1.ESPN not ESP  Men are not mind readers. We are rugged, brawny, handsome and handy – we just don’t have the ESP gene – spell it out, sweetheart.

1. Sunday Sports are of the highest importance. They’re like the full moon, the stars and the sky – our True North. It’s not the day to drag us to mall and make us hold your suitcase-sized purse as you try on 15 pair of identical black slacks. We crave Sunday Sports – be a sport – and just hand us the remote control.

1. Don’t Mall Me: Shopping is not a sport. No amount of cajoling, kidding, or kissing is going to make us think of it that way.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work. Strong, loud, hints don’t work. Call us primitive– it is obvious your soft, whimsical and cute little hints are not effective. Do us both a favor, and clearly state what you want.

1. Final Answer: ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. We are succinct. Especially during commercials.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy, gossip, chatting endlessly are what your wonderful girlfriends are for. Use them.

1. Memories: Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. Weighty Issues: If you think you’re fat, you might be – or you are looking for a compliment… and reassurance…first check a mirror, then come to us…and, Never on a Sunday.

1. Lost in Translation: If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we really meant the other one. Honest.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. If you want company and camaraderie – ask us. After you’ve called your girl friends.

1. Commercial Value: whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the TV commercials.

1.Following our Bliss ~ Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and pride prevents us from breaking the mold. Work with us—that’s why God invented maps and GPS.

1. The Color of the Wind: All men see in only 16 colors just like the Windows default settings. We all know Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. Chartreuse is a drink…we are a little color blind.

1. If we ask ‘what is wrong‘ and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong. Of course, we know you are less than honest, but, darlin, it’s just not worth the hassle.

1. Skirting the Issue: when we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… really.

1. Please don’t ask us what we’re thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football. Or Golf. Baseball. Tennis. Ping Pong. Bowling. Biking. Hiking. Rowing. Camping. Spelunking.

Thank you for reading “The Manly Men Rules”

(The author, ANON, writes: “Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; men really don’t mind that- It’s just like camping..but different. Sweet dreams. See you in the morning?”)

Tell the truth?

              

It doesn’t pay to get risky with romance and the truth

*

Newt: Any of several small often brightly colored salamanders, living chiefly on honorariums and book sales but during the breeding season –attracted to lively debates- truth not included.

Newt, a self-proclaimed historian and educator, found himself suddenly single after years of rocky marriages and dead-end flings. A man who could talk for days about Weierstrass factorization theorem and Pythagorean theorem, found he now failed miserably when it came to honest conversations with women.

Urged by a cadre of male friends, Newt decided to enter into the world of online dating and to start having fun again. As a youth, he was the epitome of a nerd; he had been mildly popular in high school. He met and married Wendy in college, divorced, married twice more and now, years later, he was “free at last.”  He had a slight problem with both managing money and his memory, but decided to be bullish and forge ahead.

Daunted by the EHarmony Herculean task of completing dozens of pages of questions, Newt went straight to Match.com, signed up and paid his dues. Then he called his best friend, Freddie M, the clever copywriter from the ad agency downtown. The two friends met over a couple pitchers of martinis and proceeded to create a highly embellished profile.

Dressing up the Naked Truth

At the end of the fiction writing expedition, Newt sounded like a cross between Brad Pitt and Warren Buffet and Jimmy Buffet; he had it all: looks, money and margaritas. With the magic of Photoshop, the plump and graying guy was superimposed into  pictures at the Taj Mahal, standing next to a Porsche and standing in front of a Rolls Royce at the Casino in Monte Carlo.

Sports were Newt’s bete noire.

He spent free time doing Amazon.com book reviews  and he was glued to his Blackberry. Not a problem: Freddie M, the wizard with words, knew all the chick-magnet verbs and magically Newt had an interest in cooking, hiking, biking, skiing, and camping. The sweater vest had to go.

Within no time, the two created their own manly-man version of Eliza Doolittle. Newt went from a thrice married, nerdy engineer-type to savvy bachelor. Throwing caution to the wind, they hit the Match.com ‘send’ button and ‘Brad the bon vivant’ was born. He was younger, taller, thinner, wealthier and up and running.

Caught between the Truth and a Hard Place?

The two men decided, if they were caught,  any ‘little white lies” were because they did not have access to records and notes that would help their recollection, thereby providing an out in case of any misstatements.

Clever boys? No. Newt was good at this… he said he ‘disclaimed responsibility’ for much of the fiction in his profile.

Parable: Lying is bad form; remember the truth will set you free – and lying on an online profile means risky business.

The two men had no idea of the firestorm of attention they were about to create.

“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it”  Adolf Hitler

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at 50datesexaminer@gmail.com. Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column.

 

Can Fantasy and Football be used in the same sentence?

It’s back. Football season has started and for some (men) it is a fantasy – for others (women) a nightmare.

If ever there was a ‘control issue’ it has to be – not remote – but thriving in living rooms, dens, family rooms across America. The great debate continues: how many hours can a guy watch football on TV every weekend? This is a trick question. Go ahead: consult your tea-leaves, the phone tree, and your oracle at Delphi. Call your psychic. There is no concrete answer. Some say, as long as there is a football game on TV– men will watch. Others refine their football viewing to specific teams.

Hey, boys… there is a reason a woman invented TIVO.

Ladies, football is a tough act to follow.

Take it from me, this is the one time you can try to make a pass at your beau, you can allude to a ‘touchdown’ or “hang time” As long as he has his 3R’s: Recliner, Refrigerator, Remote Control and football, include him out. You are merely interference and an encroachment.

If you are like many American women – you’ve tried to make a pass, you scramble for his affection. Darn, false start. You’ve given him a two-minute warning, No response. You’ve felt rejected, dejected and down-and-out. You’ve even gone so far as to make a second very forward pass. You want to play and he wants to watch.

Men and football…best advice:

Ladies, understand: You don’t have the home- field advantage. You can easily and quickly learn to enjoy the game or enjoy some hang time with other football widows. Get your backfield in motion, say a Hail Mary and roll out and go shopping for yardage, Feeling creative? Get in the spirit of things and make a red shirt. That’s code. Code for pursue your own fantasy and play.

Go see a chick flick, go for a jog, a hike, grab the kayak, take the dog to the dog park and have fun. He’ll be yours after the game.

We Need to Talk?

Remember the courtroom scene in the movie, Miracle on 34th Street where a gaggle of postmen deliver bags and more bags of letters to Santa Claus? I get mail. Already this year, there have been reams of lengthy diatribes, quick notes, short and sweet tweets, and a lollapalooza of text messages – both for and against the opinions of this humble writer.

Feedback: Static and Volatile

2011 Top 10 Favorite Page Larkin Columns

1. Before Match.com Yahoo Personals, Ourtime, Senior Dates,and Eharmony there were two guys in a dorm – with a dream-  at Santa Clara University. It was, Science Friday and the very first computer dating company
2.  Since the Garden of Eden and Adam and Eve, it has been a baffling mystery – the age old Gordian knot: What do men really want women to know?
3. The Kentucky Derby inspired the mother of all weekends: horses, hats, hearts, and hello! The column earned a landfall of neighs and yays.
4. Today, it was said there have been three important apples in world history: the one with Adam and Eve; the apple with Sir Isaac Newton and and Steve Jobs and his Apple. Be sure to see:  ilove Apple and all the fanboys.
5. Women are loquacious, it’s what we do. However, this gift of gab and volubility – begs the question: is there such a thing as TMI? You betcha. Too much information on your dating profile can be a major turn-off. Writer beware.Less is more.
   
6. Don’t Give up! Every once in awhile, you hear about  50-something, frustrated daters, folding up their tents, and quitting the dating game. Remember, don’t give up on dating – just learn the rules and learn which ones to break. It will all be okay.
7. Bye, bye Oprah:It was a very sad day, when everybody’s best friend, Oprah, retired. See: Oprah retires-the party is over.
   8. Melancholy Baby? Got a Room at the Heartbreak Hotel?   No Room Service- Move out
   9. Isn’t it romantic?  Tea and Tivo: The Royal Wedding was a true show stopper. Thousands of people called in sick that day- and stayed home to sip tea and dine on crumpets and jam as they watched. The Wedding: all about TiVo
   10.  Flirt Early – and  Flirt Often    Any great Dating at 50 Diva or Docent, with an imagination and a true desire to see her clients go forth and multiply good times will organize a Downtown San Francisco Scavenger hunt.                                                                                                                   The Fabulous Female Flirting graduates painted San Francisco’s Union Square red. A huge success by all accounts

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.             Ingrid Bergman

Page Larkin, San Francisco author, dating coach and dating docent offers a 3-hour Inspired Dating Workshop

“Online Dating: Get Your Mojo Moving”

• February 17             10 AM to 1 PM
• Cost: $85
• Limit: TEN  to a class

Bring your current online dating profile, photos and a Dream Date List (more information with Enrollment) an open-mind, a sense of humor, and a desire to get in the dating game to play and win.

Enroll at Page.Larkin@Gmail.com

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at 50datesexaminer@gmail.com.

Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column- click the Subscribe button at the top of the page

Where do you go to meet women in Marin County?

Everywhere…

Demographics~ darling, It’s all about demographics. Take a look – there are more single  women – per capita – than single men…

Here are The Top 10 Places to Meet Women…

1. Film Festivals - There are more film festivals per capita in Marin than any other County in California- and just being there is a natural way to encounter a kindred spirit. The  Mill Valley Film Festival is the best! In addition to great parties, easy access, stellar movies -  happy people everywhere….

Best technique:  nonchalantly comment on a genre, director, star, long line, paucity of tickets. It all starts with a question… “do you know”… fill in the blank and start a conversation. Lights, camera – ACTION….

2. Trader Joe’s ~ on Sunday from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m… (and Monday, Tuesday… Wednesday…) again – opening line: ask a question – “Excuse me, which do you prefer? Hey, do you know how to select good  apples?” (What do you do with Brussel Sprouts?

(Yes, Virginia: Whole Foods falls into same category for great place to pick up

3. Lectures -at Book Passages – hottest ticket in Marin for a parade of amazing authors ( David Sedaris was there  for a hilarious reading – outstanding) grace the small stage. Events (free) usually attract SRO (standing room only) ALSO: Marin Arts Center, Marin Osher JCC, the Mill Valley Library, Falkirk, San Domenico, etc

4. Volunteer – at the Big Event: The  Mill Valley Film Festival – LITQUAKE, the Labor Day Sausalito Art Festival, any Wine Tasting Events, Sierra Club , the Human Race, Writer’s Conferences ~Bonus: you volunteer – get to attend the venue for free and mingle with the attendees. Volunteer Party post event: a must.

5. Yoga classes - Hands down this has to be the best place to meet women, odds are generally 10 women to 1 guy… and women have a soft spot in their hearts (or soles ) for a guy who happens to wander into a yoga class. Do a little research and find beginner classes and start there. Check out Thursdays – 730- Sausalito- Rec Room – City Hall -with Richard -for a real beginner, small, nicely paced, entre…

You’ll thank me. Despite popular Marin Myths- there are not yoga studios on every street corner – due diligence required.

6. Bookstores – Hey, it’s where we hang out. Note: 67% of all books are sold to Single Women. You do the math. Again: Ask a question i.e “is this author any good? Do you like ____?” SEE # 3.

7. Cupcake stores, sweet bakeries… (think Sprinkles the famed Oprah Best Pick genre). Okay, sweetie, so we indulge. Sit down, have a cup of coffee and engage. Best question to ask “Which is your favorite?” or “I want to buy my mom a treat- what you suggest?”

8.La Coppa ...women of a certain age preferred La Coppa over Peets’s and eschew Formica tabletops. Okay, and the Depot…

9. Wine Shop (VintageWine/Spirits, Marin Bev Outlet, MV Market, etc) Aren’t we all looking for the same thing?

A decent Pinot noir and a bon soir?  ***I didn’t need to suggest asking a question, did I?***

10. On the Street…at The Rafael Theater- famous for great films, Members Nights, Free Films for the Public – this place rocks and has a half dozen great pre- post  Movie date sites within 30 steps…

Shhh…a secret: Women Love Men Who Dance

It’s not really a secret: from the lines in the loo, to the buffet, and the midnight dessert run, women all heartily agreed; men who dance are a lot more fun and a lot more interesting.

The Take away: Gentlemen start your lessons: Take beginner lessons, have fun and practice, practice, practice.

Three Local Hot Spots for dancing

• Allegro Ballroom
• The Seahorse in Sausalito
• Ashkenaz

• “Go out in the world and work like money doesn’t matter, Sing as if no one is listening,
  

• Love as if you have never been hurt,
  

• and Dance as if no one is watching”

Where else in Marin County?

AT: ICB Sausalito, on the mountain – on the Sunshine Trail – in the elevator, at the Chalk Drawing in San Rafael;  Sausalito’s Seahorse Dance Party with a $5 cover charge…walking into the store, in the well lit, safe, busy, parking lot, on the bus, after the movie, at Muir Beach, at Sports Basement, at church, Steep Ravine, Rulli….at dim sum, at Rancho Nicasio, classes at College of Marin, dog walking… at Safeway, at any one of the numerous farmer’s market, Best Buy…at the library….in the waiting room…

No SECRET ~ get thee to MEETUP.com for walking~ strolling~hiking groups, quaffing, photography groups ~

Talking in code- are diamonds really a girl’s best friend?

Great words for your 2011 lexicon and deciphering the real message.

The New York Times recently published the 2010 Words That Made the Year. The gamut ran from the obvious “doing a Bieber” (comb-over hairdo a la teen heart throb Justin Bieber) to “halfalogue” - half an overheard phone conversation.

Here, on the Other Coast, we have our own unique jargon and highbrow glossary.

A true, new, San Francisco phrase, rife with double entendre, is ‘diamond certified’.  As in, “Is he diamond certified?”  In Norcal reality, “Diamond Certified” - is known as a veritable bible- listings of  tried and true contractors, painters and electricians. However, the phrase has taken on a new meaning to some 20 and 30-somethings who have an eye on a diamond ring and a stroll down the aisle with Mr. Right. Go figure.

New puns and slang heard in the hollowed halls and corners of La Boulange and Starbucks:

Whoarder – person who sleeps around, a lot, with no regard for discretion.

Match.commie –Person who’s been on Internet dating sites for five to 10 years without updating pictures, dates, relevant information, and remains perpetually 40.

Dead End - A woman, asked where she wants to go on a first date, replies: “The French Laundry, Cyrus,or Michael Mina”

Riding the Marry- go-Round - The re-marrying type- person who is more philanderer than philanthropist.

All Props no Pop - Aging hipster with the hot car, cool condo, big talk, thick wallet, and slim chances.

Goofy - the man who wrote, “ I am seeking a short term, mutually exploitative, physical relationship. Interested?”

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? George Carlin

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at page.larkin@gmail.com.

Tess, 39 perpetually, just got hired by Macy’s.

She is the self proclaimed ‘Blender Babe’ of the Kitchenware department.

Her itsy-bitsy miniscule paycheck  is overshadowed by the promise of ‘benefits.”

In eight weeks, Tess will be granted a decent Health Benefits package.

          Hey, the  mantra

these days is,

“it’s all about the benefits, friend.”

During the Human Resources Hustle orientation, Tess said the well rehearsed, fast-talking, instructor explained that benefits were just like dating: “For 2 months we check you out. We watch you and we see how you perform; if you show up on time, if you are loyal and passionate.

• If you do as you promise, we will be your friends, with benefits”.
  “If you don’t call, don’t show up, fool around, cheat, lie or steal, we withhold benefits and,  Honey ~  you are history!  Buh–bye…

This was a metaphor Tess readily “got”  and she marveled how Romance and Retail mirrored one another.

She is all about benefits. And shopping around…shop, shop, shop around~~~Great advice in romance and retail- all year long

Friends~ we all know about brand loyalty, performing well, and integrity. My friend with benefits, Tess, is ready to blend.

Confused by Red Flags, Stop Signs, Flashing Amber Lights?

In the beginning, Internet Dating is two things: amusing and addictive. It’s like a drug. As a virtual virgin you find yourself sucked into hours of scanning photos and reading profiles.
At first, you conscientiously read every profile that the famous dating company serves you on a silver screen. After all, you have waded through pages and pages of questions and written multiple essays on life and goals. It’s a romantic Rorschach test. You’ve supplied name, rank, cereal flavor, a plethora of likes and dislikes and paid the big bucks.

Throwing caution to the wind, you take the leap. What do you need to know first?

Look Before You Leap – Notice the Red Flags

1. If you are an Ipod and they are a cassette player – there may be room for concern.
2. Say you’re voracious reader, runner, writer, Rumi- fan and their idea of fun is watching TV- note: they are not going to change.
3. If you loved all the commercials for the Super Bowl and they didn’t.   (including the dogs, Doritos, talking babies)  Go, Daddy.
4. When you meet your ‘match’ and they don’t even remotely resemble their photo, caution. Amber lights flashing.
5. If their profile consists of boasts and brags about all their accomplishments and two favorite words are ” I and I”  – say the magic word, “Next.”
6. If your list of passions is short and succinct with the highlight being ‘snuggling on the couch’ and you find just reading their list of activities is totally exhausting: red flag.
7. If your IQs aren’t in the same realm – it might be a red flag. If they ramble on about Byzantine art, quarks and metaphysics and you keeping thinking: too quirky and want to taking a quantum leap outa there. Not a match.
8. Do you see facets of anger, rudeness, moodiness, and addictions? Red flag.
9. If you thought, he said Penn State and he really said ‘state pen’:  big red flag.

Frankly, my dear: we are all on our very best behavior the first few dates.

On approximately date #4, the gloves come off. Reality rears it’s pretty little self.

Best Advice? Buyers beware -be savvy, be safe. Talk on the phone before you actually meet. Ask questions?

Dude, did you see that huge, crimson, red flag?

Pay attention to the smoke and mirrors and the man behind the curtain.

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at page.larkin@gmail.com.

Hey, girlfriend: Are you gifted or gifting?

New at the dating game? Here’s the deal:

There are two very diverse schools of thought on Christmas gifting while dating. The leading school of thought believes that research, analysis, and careful planning are a necessity. In addition to making a list and checking it twice, one must do the whole who was naughty versus nice analysis.

Thus begins the titanic burden called Romantic Involvement Christmas Handling (RICH).

The second, far more appealing philosophy is that anything, beautifully wrapped and involving chocolate, is the perfect present for one and all. No fuss, no muss, and never any of that nasty re-gifting involved.

The most blasé and generic gifts one can buy are: candles, socks, flashlight and pens. By all means, avoid the Oh-no-O.-Henry, Gift of the Magi debacle. Combs and watch fobs are guaranteed to displease.

Patsy S. has a social calendar that rivals Dede Wilsey or Lady Gaga. This social butterfly smartly keeps numerous boxes of Godiva chocolates and a small army of chocolate Santas from See’s in her pantry, so she’s always prepared with the perfect little gift. Sweet.

You Better Watch Out – You Better Not Buy

Is there such a thing as going overboard in gifting while dating? A big gift (Kindle, iPad, Cartier watch, a Tiffany bauble, or plasma TV) speaks volumes and if you want to turn the volume down, think smaller and more discreet.

Here Comes Santa Claws

Each Christmas, bachelor Robert K. heads to the closest Safeway kiosk of gift cards and plucks a dozen gift cards off the wall and his Christmas shopping is done. He buys iTunes and Gap gift cards for “the kids,” Nordstrom gift cards for all his women friends, and specialty restaurant gift cards for everyone else.

Jingle Bell Rock-Bottom Prices

Very clever and cost-effective Peggy almost lives at the Dollar Store and buys beautiful gift bags ($1.00) and yards of ribbon ($1.00) trinkets, treasures, baubles and stocking stuffers, and she makes boyfriends, relatives, and neighbors very happy by her frugal thoughtfulness.

Frosty? Getting a Cold Shoulder from a Flame?

Whether you are ‘romantcially involved’ or merely flirting at every given opportunity, think outside the box or gift bag. The art of gift giving is just that: an art. It really requires planning, precision and perspicacity. If, after delivering the perfect Christmas gift, you are not feeling the love? Remember Trader Joe’s carries the perfect gift: a lump of coal. Ho ho ho.

“Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.” – Camus

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner Page Larkin welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at page.larkin@gmail.com.

It finally happened.

After weeks of trawling online for a kindred spirit, you’ve connected with someone you rather like.

You exchanged the requisite three e-mails, two telephone calls, and both decided upon meeting for the proverbial  ‘coffee date’.

Relax – have a good time and avoid these Blunders and Bloopers.

Remember:  Never Ever

1. Arrive late and fail to apologize.
2. Post an ancient photo of yourself, which doesn’t remotely resemble you.
3. Assume the other person will pay for coffee. You are a big girl/boy.
4. Take and make phone calls during the date.
5. Share details about your divorce. Nobody wants to hear about it. Really.
6. Advertise you are divorced, when you’re really separated. Truth in advertising is big in this area, too.
7. Ask your date how much they weigh, their height, age, or salary.
8. Regale your date with stories of your past trophy dates and exploits.
9. Step out for a smoke. Return with a toothpick.  Yawn. Three strikes – yer’ out!
10. “Go HR”  this is supposed to be a coffee date, not a job interview.

Now What? Kiss, hug or shake hands?
Let’s say things are working better than you ever imagined. Now what?

How much time do you spend? Thirty minutes? An hour? Remember: There are no hard and fast rules. Common sense trumps any dating data. First and foremost, have a good time.

And, remember the old saying:  “How am I going to miss you, if you don’t go away?”

To hug or not to hug:  that is the question

As the date ends and you are reluctantly leaving one another, you can gauge the level of interest instantly. It’s the old handshake versus hug conundrum. Do they go for the handshake or the light hug?  A perfunctory handshake (no Rosetta stone required ) simply means, “It was nice meeting you.   Next.” Whereas, a light hug means, “ Let’s do this again.”

One second date, coming up.